What You Leave Behind
by BonesBird
Summary: When tragedy breaks in and Garcia loses the love of her life, her sole companion is the memory of the Derek Morgan only she knew. Character Death.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: What You Leave Behind  
><strong>**Summary: When tragedy breaks in and Garcia loses the love of her life, her sole companion is the memory of the Derek Morgan only she knew. (Character Death)  
><strong>**Lyrics: There You'll Be - Faith Hill**

**If you've opened this thinking it'll have a HEA, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Like always, I'm writing what I know, and right now… all I have is grief… I have tried to balance the grief with some humour and some joy… but this is mostly a piece to help me work through my own grief. Big thanks to my Hotch's, Ana, Kate, Cian and Tish, I couldn't have done this without you. Tish is writing a companion piece to this. I'll link when I can.**

**R.I.P Patrick, my soulmate, my love, my best friend and my life. I miss you.**

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><p><em><strong>In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky<br>**__**In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life  
><strong>__**I'll keep a part of you with me  
><strong>__**And everywhere I am  
><strong>__**There you'll be**_

The sound of his last breath would haunt her for the rest of her life. She couldn't focus on anything else but screaming his name as loudly as she could. She screamed to try and bring him back from behind the veil into which he had fallen, and one that, no matter how much she wanted and needed him, he wouldn't be able to return from.

She felt the hands on her, trying to pull her away, but she resisted. She couldn't leave his side yet. She wasn't ready too. The sterile environment didn't dissuade her from her throes of grief. She knew, beyond all doubt, that he was gone. She could feel her soul already reaching out for it's mate. The mate it would never again find comfort and solace in.

She sat beside him so long that she felt the warmth slip from his hand, but she couldn't break the contact, not even to wipe the tears from her own eyes. She needed to keep the contact she had built up with him. She needed to hold onto the hand that he had for as long as she could. Until finally, she was pulled away and handed a bag, the bag of his possessions. She slid the ring out and slid it between her fingers. She could almost sense him on the ring. She unhooked the necklace she wore, and slid his ring on it, hers joining it only seconds later. A matching pair.

She wasn't sure who's hands were guiding her away, through the hospital, into a car, an apartment, who put a cup of tea in her hands. Who wrapped his arms around her as her screams and sobs once again filled the air around her. All she knew was an intense need to share everything. Share the love that she had had for years, but had only recently come to face with. The man of her dreams, the light in her dark. Her constant. That was what he had been to her, and she was sure, no matter what separated them now, he would always be that light that guided her. The person that she wanted to make proud of her every day.

"You know… when I cried, he couldn't cope" she whispered, "he'd almost always end up crying too". She felt a warm hand clasp over hers again, and she realised, that all this time, it had been Hotch who had gotten her out of there. He would know, best of their team, how she was feeling. How having your heart and soul ripped out by a force of evil, could tear you into a million pieces.

"He told me every day, that I was beautiful, smart…" she felt another tear begin to roll down her cheek, but she didn't reach up to brush it away, she let it drop into the now empty mug she held in one hand, while Hotch gently held the other, giving her the support she needed. "He told me that… long before we were anything more than colleagues." She sniffed, "before we were anything more than just people who knew each other." she felt Hotch wipe way one of her tears, but she didn't break the story she had going in her mind.

"When Kevin left" she sighed, remembering the pain like it was yesterday, even though it had been her decision to tell him to go, "he came round, and he held me, all night. He told me that I'd always deserved better than how I was treated." she lifted her hand, to play with the rings she'd placed there before. Her fingers lingering over the size difference between the two. Hers fit almost perfectly inside his. Just like their hearts, their souls had fit together.

"He just held me. Nothing more. He told me stupid jokes to try and get me laughing. It didn't take him long" she smiled slightly at the memory, even as it caused another wave of tears. "Something about a knock knock joke and old mother Hubbard. I don't remember it exactly." She felt Hotch's hand squeeze hers once more, which she took as a sign to just continue. "You watched us, for longer than anybody" she silently accused, but knew he wouldn't answer "I wonder how you knew"

"The first time he told me he loved me, was Battle" she almost spat the name, she felt bitter, even though she knew that Battle was long gone, "and we brushed it off. Then, when he was hurt, I told him, and kissed him. I took it the step further. I told him I couldn't live without him." Her hands grasped at anything, everything, that was in her reach. "That's still true."

"The start of everything changing was Alaska" she said, getting a little more strength in her voice. Holding the rings that signified the dedication they'd made to each other, showed her that she had to carry on this part of the story. "He was so afraid, and so careful when he found me." her heart broke a little more at her next thought. "He always wanted to protect me from everything. He only wanted me to see the good" she heard Hotch's chuckle at that, and she looked at him smiling "you noticed that huh? He swore on that day, that he'd protect me every day for the rest of his life" She sobered up, her voice quivering at that. She felt Hotch's hand on her back.

"He'll continue doing that, Penelope" Hotch said, they were the first words she had registered anybody saying to her in hours, and with it her tears and grief burst over again. Her tears fell thick and fast onto Hotch's shirt as she pounded her fists against him. He didn't flinch or move away, he just held her, and allowed her to let her emotions out.

"Why did it have to be Derek!" She suddenly shouted, the question that had been driving her crazy since the moment they had asked her to sign the order, the moment they'd told her that he wasn't going to make it. That his injuries were too severe "Why did he always have to be the hero". She sobbed and fell against Hotch. Her heart breaking all over again, she felt her soul screaming Derek's name from within her.

"You know we can never answer that. Penelope, he loves you" her sobs subsided as Hotch held her against him. Not letting her pull back far enough to start hitting him again. Her thoughts weren't coming in lines, and she felt angry at his tone, and she wasn't sure why.

"Don't you mean loved" she replied, bitterness tingeing her voice as she remembered Derek would never be there for her again.

"No, because death doesn't end something like what you and Derek had" She felt Hotch gulp, before he continued, "what Haley and I had" she pulled back, far enough to see the tears in Hotch's eyes too. They wept in their shared grief, for their lost loves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: What You Leave Behind  
><strong>**Summary: When tragedy breaks in and Garcia loses the love of her life, her sole companion is the memory of the Derek Morgan only she knew. (Character Death)****  
><strong>

**A/N: This chapter was written by Tish (AKA HotchHoneyLC) in response to Shin's fic. I had originally intended to publish this on my own account, but I think it serves better as a second chapter. Since I joined the fandom, Shin has been invariably been the Garcia to my JJ, the Rossi to my Hotch, and co-conspirator extraordinare. This is for P and S, and for all the Pinheads who love them, and who grieve for their fallen friend.**

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><p><strong><em>"Grief is the price we pay for love" - Queen Elizabeth II<em>**

The night had not gone according to plan. And now, Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner began to realize the enormity of what had happened just moments before. Derek Morgan was dead.

He should have been on the raid at the storage shelter. He shouldn't have sent Morgan in his stead. It should have been him who took the full force of the explosion. Hotch wanted nothing more than to crawl into his own world of solitary hurt. He grieved alone, after all. But there were other matters to attend to. Garcia.

He heard her screams in the waiting room. The rest of the team started to get up, but he held up his hands. "Wait. This is something I need to do." He broke into a jog, flashed his badge at an unsuspecting ER nurse, and skidded to a halt. Penelope Garcia was screaming in heartbreaking sobs. "Derek, come back. Please, baby. Don't leave me, handsome."

In one moment, Hotch was back in McLean in autumn. In a purple-hued bedroom holding his beloved much the same as Penelope was holding hers, wracked with grief. Derek Morgan was there for him after Haley was murdered. It was the least he could do. He reached out and touched Garcia's shoulder. "Penelope. He's gone. I'm so sorry." Without warning, she flung her arms around Hotch. "Garcia, we can't do anything more."

He watched as she took Morgan's ring from his belongings and slipped it onto her necklace. "I love you, handsome," she sobbed as Hotch led her away from Morgan's body. He took her out the side entrance of the emergency room. He didn't say a word. He remembered a country song that Haley loved. "You say it best when you say nothing at all."

He wouldn't look at her. Couldn't look at her. He simply led her to the Bureau SUV he had purloined earlier in the evening. Theft of government property, my ass. He'd return it.

He drove through the city until he reached Garcia's apartment. Her sobs had not quieted. He led her by the hand through her door, to the couch. The numbness of the situation was wearing off. He covered her in a throw blanket, and set to make tea. He searched her cabinets until he found a bottle of whiskey. He poured two generous fingers into each mug.

As she cried, he felt the tears welling up. Hotch knew they were involved long before the rest of the team did. He knew something changed in Alaska, something that moved two best friends into romance. He listened, and evaluated. He wasn't surprised that when he hugged her, she burst into wild tears and administered a ferocious beating to his chest. Those bruises, he thought, will heal. The pain will not. At least not yet.

He finally looked at her when she spat a bitter response at him. "No, because death doesn't end something like what you and Derek had… what Haley and I had." He wept openly. "Just because someone isn't here physically doesn't mean the love stops. It doesn't mean you love them less. Haley is with me every day. Derek will be, too." He enveloped her in a hug, and more tears fell. "Aaron, I miss him so much already."

"Me, too. Me, too."

**_Jerry Fielding wrote, "Heroes are not born, boys, heroes all are made."_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: What You Leave Behind  
><strong>**Summary: When tragedy breaks in and Garcia loses the love of her life, her sole companion is the memory of the Derek Morgan only she knew. (Character Death)  
><strong>**Lyrics: Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World**

**So, this third (and last) chapter came from getting my thoughts in order. I will love Patrick forever, and I feel Garcia would be the same with Derek. FOR NOTE, I'm not pregnant, however I have been adopted by P's son. Thanks to Tish (HHLC) for writing the bridging chapter. She has been my Hotch this week, and I love her, so much. Thanks for reading this, although the emotions are very raw.**

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><p><em><strong>So what would you think of me now<br>**__**So lucky so strong so proud  
><strong>__**I never said thank you for that  
><strong>__**Now I'll never have the chance**_

She looked down at the photograph. Derek was inches from her, they were both laughing, it was clear that they were about to kiss. She had no idea who had taken the photograph, but it was one of her favourites. Their house was full of memories. Full of pictures, smiling faces.

It was too big for her alone. But she couldn't leave it. What was between them was theirs.

Over the last few days, she had found herself talking allowed to him. As if he was still sat on the sofa in the living room. As if she would hear his answers, rather than know what he'd say.

She hadn't accepted it. Not close. She'd gotten a lot of her emotions out the first night with Hotch, but, she had had a lot more to do since. A lot more to think about. She hadn't been able to call all the companies Derek had accounts with and close them. She had learnt his signature, it was now as natural as her own. Until she was ready to tell people that her amazing man had moved on, she would continue to sign for him.

She looked down, and she was in her wedding dress. A discussion that had happened a long time ago had let to her knowing that Derek wanted her to wear it for his funeral. Her hands flattened the fabric over the small bulge, that was something else she would never get to tell Derek.

She looked down, as the knock on her door came, it was early, she hadn't expected Hotch to pick her up so early. But she had asked him too. She had spent most of the last week with him. He had been her support, her rock while she got angry at the universe. Everyone. Everyone but Derek. She couldn't be angry at him.

"Penelope" Hotch said, before looking her up and down "his request?"

"Yes" she nodded, and held the paper ever closer to her. She had written her feelings into a letter, and Hotch was going to read it out for her.

Her life would never be what she planned, what the two of them had planned. But she had reasons to go on with everything she wanted for them. For their family. She would do it alone, and their baby would know exactly who his father was, and how his father had died a hero.

She watched as his coffin was lowered into the ground, she sobbed with his mother, and his sisters. She told them her news, hoping that it would make life easier for them. She told them all how much she had loved Derek.

She had to live for them both. For the three of them.

_**May angels lead you in  
><strong>__**Hear you me, my friends  
><strong>__**On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
><strong>__**May angels lead you in**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: What You Leave Behind  
><strong>**Summary: When tragedy breaks in and Garcia loses the love of her life, her sole companion is the memory of the Derek Morgan only she knew. (Character Death)  
><strong>**Lyrics: Our Last Summer - ABBA**

**This is just a short little epilogue that came to me in a dream. Weird right? It's been almost 2 months since I lost Patrick and I'm doing much better. I'll never forget the pain of losing him. But life must go on and things change. That's what this chapter is pretty much signifying. I'm also on an ABBA kick so… the song fits. Also, for anyone who had figured out the title of this fic… it is from the finale of Deep Space Nine**

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><p>"<strong>The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return" - Moulin Rouge<strong>

_**I can still recall our last summer  
><strong>__**I still see it all  
><strong>__**Walks along the Seine  
><strong>__**Laughing in the rain  
><strong>__**Our last summer  
><strong>__**Memories that remain**_

Sitting watching Daniel run around the garden, he so resembled his father, he was more like a clone of Derek than his son. Every time she looked at him she saw Derek, and that brought a flash of sorrow. Sorrow that he couldn't see how his flesh and blood was growing. The man Daniel would be. Nobody had come close in Penelope's mind to Derek, he was still her soul mate, and the man she adored more than any other. Life had moved on though, and she had made a different life to her original plan.

Jack came barrelling around the corner, and Daniel turned around to chase him through the sprinklers. Five years wasn't enough to forget her soul mate, but time was helping her heal her wounds. As was her relationship with a man who was also healing from the same wounds.

Their friendship had just grown stronger over the last 5 years. He had been with her as Daniel had joined her family. Daniel and Jack had bonded as soon as Daniel had been old enough to learn soccer. Since then they played together all the time. Jack had taken Daniel under his wing and would tell stories of the things Derek would play with him. Much like her friendship with Hotch, Jack was teaching Daniel that no matter what his daddy would love him.

"Mommy." Garcia hadn't even noticed Daniel running over to her. He climbed on her lap as Hotch took the seat next to her, "Mommy, Uncle Hotch. Tell me about daddy" He asked, he always wanted to hear stories. She settled in to hear Hotch tell another story about how brave and dedicated Derek had always been. She stroked her sons hair and once again felt glad that she had loved, and been loved back. Had time with her soul mate.

_**We made our way along the river  
><strong>__**And we sat down in the grass  
><strong>__**By the Eiffel Tower  
><strong>__**I was so happy we had met  
><strong>__**It was the age of no regret.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone. This isn't another chapter. I just can't figure out how to do review replies since the new system came into effect and I'd be giving everyone a similar reply anyway. So this is basically a long Authors Note.**

**I just want to say thank you, all of you, for reading this story. It has been incredibly cathartic to share the pain I felt in the guise of our favourite duo. It may please you all to know I'm writing another, happy, story. But it's going slowly as my "A" button broke on my laptop, so am writing on my sisters whenever she is kind enough to lend it to me. **

**It's been almost 2 months since we lost Patrick. It wasn't only me who lost him. Everybody did. He was kind and caring, all he wanted was to make the world a better place and unfortunately gave his life for that. I'll always remember his bravery and that he truly loved me and the rest of his family. **

**You have all been an enormous support. From my friends from here who I also have on Facebook or Twitter who have followed my pain maybe more closely than others. To the people who have been kind enough to send me a review or a message just telling me they are thinking of me.**

**Slowly, life is returning to a semblance of normality. Though life will never be the same. There are still some nights I lie awake and beg the world to give me him back, and other nights when I'm just glad I knew him at all. **

**Criminal Minds is what brought us together (I bet very few of you knew that) so I don't think, no matter how often I may say "oh it's jumped the shark", I could ever stop watching. Because without it, I never would have had Patrick to begin with.**

**My special thanks go to P's sister, Ash (lovemethatsalliaskofyou on here. She writes M/G too, go check them out) my EJ Hotchner, Tish. My JJ, and my brain twin Ana and my BFFS Angie and Kelly. They are all so amazing and have helped me so much in the last 2 months.**

**I'll stop rambling in a second, but lastly I want to thank every single one of you reading this. It takes a lot, to revisit the initial pain, but it takes even more, to willingly read it, and then extend your sympathies. You are all truly living angels.**

**R.I.P Patrick, my friends Anton and Sophie, and my little man Kaden. I miss you all. I'll be along soon. **


End file.
